Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
