Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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