Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
