you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
