He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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