dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
