Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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