On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
