Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
