I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
