i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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