You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
