i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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