never play flip cup with pint glasses
I want you more than these girls want KFC
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
