just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
