i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
