guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
