I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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