I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
