What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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