I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
