My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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