she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
