Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
