i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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