remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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