can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
