And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
