My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
