I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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