I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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