i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
