I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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