Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
