I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
