the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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