Someone shit on the floor
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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