On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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