I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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