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Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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