I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
