New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
