you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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