I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
