I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
