just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
