He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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