i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
