The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
