I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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