I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
