My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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