I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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