theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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