Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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