Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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