I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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