My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
