we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
