Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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