I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
