I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
