Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
BRING THE BAGELS
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
